


roads

by disastrous (wishingforlondon)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-06 01:44:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishingforlondon/pseuds/disastrous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam waited for help with a blade in the cupboard and pills in his hand, desperate for love but scared of the shame.</p>
            </blockquote>





	roads

There comes a time in every man (woman, and child)’s life when they make an unconscious and unwilling choice: happy or sad, worthy or pointless, thin or fat, good or bad.  
And every man, woman, and children promises that they won’t make that choice (but they really don’t have a choice).  
He was supposed to be happy. He knew it, and he had been once, but he’d made a choice (for better or for worse, it depended on the day). He wanted help, but he couldn’t get it. He could picture the headline in his head: “LIAM PAYNE GOES TO REHAB.” It’d end everything. He’d be called an attention whore (even more), sales would go down, the band would be destroyed. The boys would hate him (if they didn’t already).  
So he counted the breaths and turned them to days, ignoring the glances and whispered phrases. He faked smiles and laughter, and moved away faster - away from the games and the shame and the fame.  
“What a recluse,” they’d say.  
“What a loner,” they’d add.  
When it was almost too much and he was only a shell, Danielle ran away (not really, though. He let her go). The world was in a rage and Liam was in a cage (although, he had been for awhile). The world could see in and he couldn’t get out. It was really his fault, though; he’d signed up for this.  
Liam began to look for a way out - and when he couldn’t find one, he made it himself. He carved roads on his skin, a map to everywhere he needed to go, the one thing he’d never lose, his home.  
When Zayn saw his map, he begged him to stop, but Liam refused (he knew he’d get lost). And beginning that night, for weeks to come, Liam would wake up surrounded by the other boy’s warmth.  
When Niall saw it, he didn’t cry. He held Liam in his arms without asking why. Liam thinks he loves Niall best. He doesn’t blame or ask why or say anything at all really. It’s nice.  
When Louis saw the roads of desperate hope, he didn’t react. Liam didn’t mind (he wouldn’t either).  
When Harry saw the map, it didn’t really change much. Harry started crying, but Liam didn’t bother responding to Harry before, so the complete lack of communication wasn’t really that new. Liam misses him though.  
Somewhere in the winter Liam realized he was in love and his world came crashing down. It wasn’t a girl (it was a man). That scared him. He wasn’t homophobic (not really), but he was definitely unusual. He’d never met anyone in love with four people before, all at the same time.  
After this realization, roads were carved, all pointing and leading to heterosexuality (that  
last belief Liam liked to delusion himself with). And when Liam tried to follow them, he got no where. He was lost, so he added a compass rose in the shape of a heart. He added a dot (in the form of some fire) to mark his home, Zayn’s home, Niall’s home, Louis’ home, Harry’s home.  
He counted the markings crawling up his arms, his torso, his legs (“41...42...43...44...45...46...47...48...49...50...”). He scribbled words in a notebook, desperate for love (“they’ll never love me, I’m being a fool. Four of them and one of me, and I’m not even happy.”)  
And the boys noticed, but what could they do? They loved him too but the rules refused. Regardless of that, who could they tell? They were adults, they ought to help Liam themselves...but how?  
Liam waited for help with a blade in the cupboard and pills in his hand, desperate for love but scared of the shame.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first thing other than school essays that I've written in two and a half months...so what do you think? xx


End file.
